Smoke, but no fire

Take the Winston board. Is this a lecture on the purpose of a car's electrical outlets? Are they slapping the wrists of people with a phone plugged into the lighter? Or do you think they're hoping their wise-guy attitude will be taken as good-natured fun?

Riding into the sunset

Unfortunately, T.M. Riders has devoted a whole board to saying "Forget the Pizza -- Call for Tex-Mex," but they don't give any phone numbers.

Coming up empty handed

Can you figure out "The Legend Grows?" It's probably a teaser, to be explained later. But if a teaser is going to work, it has to fascinate people. There's nothing here to fascinate. And when a company has the chutzpah to call its brand a legend, you know it's time to reach for the shovel. I'd say more about this board, but I think I'm dozing off.

Driving aimlessly

Tubby Smith is a genuine world-class hero, but he finds himself fronting for an empty-headed slogan. What does, "We'll make it happen for you!" mean? Are they going to take us all to Hawaii for the holidays? Do they have a new cure for impotence? Or is it what I really fear most...that Paul Miller Ford will sell cars to people who don't qualify to buy them elsewhere? If you have any theory on this, give me a call.

And speaking of cars, what do you make of "We'll give you a price?" Is that a claim? Did somebody really decide this would be a good promise to make to consumers? Is there something I don't know, like it's hard to get a price from other dealers?

Define the difference

Then we come to Whitaker Bank. The board says they're the Smart Choice, because they have CheckSmart and PhoneSmart. There isn't a hint of what those wonderful things are, but they do say that we should "Discover the Whitaker Difference." I guess that's the only way to find out. Of course, most people won't do it, so they'll never know.

The bottom line

You might ask why there's so much of this stuff is going on in Kentucky advertising. My theory: They don't have enough secretaries in the ad agencies. After you develop an ad, you're supposed to take it around and show the secretaries. Then they tell you how weak it is, and you change it. That's how it works.

It's just another way that downsizing makes us suffer. But then again, what do you expect from people who think that we all quit smoking because we needed a place to plug in the phone?